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I was in the middle of reaching for a fork someone was handing me so I could eat the burrito I had just built at an outdoor festival booth Larry and Dan had walked me to when the jarring ring of the phone jangled me to reality at 5:55 a.m. Could I fill in today at the middle school? It was hard to think in my daze, but no, not today. I'm sorry.

I hate saying no because I know that those last minute replacements are hardest for them to find, and have always said yes unless Mom or I had an appointment. Not too long ago I even went in after getting a call fifteen minutes before school was supposed to start. These last three weeks, however, I cannot go in at the last minute because Mom is just too afraid to be alone for very long at a time. If I know ahead, then I can make some arrangements with Annie to come in twice a day, but last minute requests are not fair to her. She does this as a favor to us, not because it is her career.

Turning down things I would really like to do is a difficult part of caregiving. Most things I don't mind missing. I love being home all day and it is my greatest wish to be with Mom constantly to help her through this part of her life. I get plenty of support and breaks on the weekends, and until lately, Mom could join me if I went somewhere or would have had plenty to keep her busy if she chose not to. Now that she is having more days when she doesn't have much energy, though, she is feeling more vulnerable and wants me around 24/7. This is completely understandable and I gladly acquiesce, except for those rare occasions when something comes along that would be so simple and harmless for me to do, but the timing or logistics just don't work out. It isn't the fault of anyone and I don't want to feel resentment because someday I will be "free" and sorrier for it. Although I must admit that some of those decision moments are hard to get through without regret, I must also remind myself that saying no will bring me less regret in the long run.

Still, I so would have enjoyed painting a Mario mural yesterday...