Thursday, May 7, 2009

Lunch with a Side of Guilt

I got a call yesterday from the middle school asking me to sub every Friday of May. I was pleased because I’ve had a couple weeks off, which was a crucial time for me to stay with Mom and spend time with daughter DL while she was home. However, now that her medications seemed to have stabilized her condition again, I welcomed the chance to step into the classroom, be with the kids, and earn a bit of a paycheck before summer vacation. Once a week was certainly a gentle schedule, too; kind of a compromise.

When Mom asked who called, I gave her the news in a cheerful voice, but her response of “Oh,” was uttered with a dread synonymous with receiving news that a meth lab was being set up next door. She is still afraid of having another seizure and being alone, which is completely understandable. I am also afraid of that (and more). The truth is that Mom won’t be able to anticipate a seizure and press her Lifeline Alert System button like she could for most strokes, heart attacks, and falls. Is it terrible of me, though, to feel like we have to take some reasonable chances once in awhile in order to keep on living? Or is that train of thought self-absorbed and irresponsible? When I answered the phone call I thought it was the former, but now I think it is the latter. *sigh.*

Anyway, Mom took care of it all on her own. After a few minutes of thought she put her phone on “speaker” and it started speed dialing. DL and I listened breathlessly to see who she was calling and why. Was she calling relatives to inform them of my latest form of neglect? “Hello?” a voice answered on the other end.

“Annie?...” Mom was calling the lady who had checked on her every day last year while I was still in college, and proceeded to arrange for her to stop in twice a day again every Friday in May. I had offered to have Annie come in last fall, but Mom refused so I am really proud of her for taking the initiative on her own and arranging this solution.

I am still questioning, though, whether I should be trying to substitute teach when I also want very much to have Mom be with us and to be her caregiver. Arguments on both sides of the question swirl through my mind constantly. What if? What if? What if? *sigh* I hope God has this figured out, because I certainly don’t. Balance. It’s all about balance, isn’t it?

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