Skyping

Little by little we are becoming more entrenched in technology. Although not nearly as electronically fluent as our kids, we have, nevertheless, toddled into the twenty-first century in a few ways. Our latest venture is with Skype, a free video conferencing system available over internet.

Mom has had more success with the speaker feature of our latest wireless phones than ever before, but I hoped that video calling would work even better. My goal was for her to have an easier time conversing with family because she would be able to see faces and read lips. Indeed, the back and forth dialog goes more smoothly because Mom can see when the other person is beginning to speak so that she doesn’t try to talk at the same time and she can understand them better because of being able to read lips as well as hear them speak. The added bonus has been that she can now also enjoy the great grandkids more now too. Whenever they wander into the room, they will stop in front of the webcam and wave and say something to her and she can respond back easily. It is so much more natural and carefree than being told to “say something” on the phone. It makes me realize that exchanging smiles can be much more valuable than exchanging mere words. The whole essence of each person comes through so much better when we can experience body language and facial expressions.

Of course, as with anything else, there are some difficulties. Mom’s biggest concern was how she looked. “Oh! They can SEE me? But, I don’t have any makeup on yet!” she protested the first time. That can be a drawback alright. It won’t do to accept a video call in your underwear, although Mom gave Coletta quite a start once by appearing with a mud mask still on her face. It certainly was worth a good laugh, and we can always use more of those. I think Skype is here to stay.

Rhetorically Speaking...

Why does my compulsion to have things in their place not carry over to the top of my dresser? Morning after morning I glance at the chaos, pick up my watch and walk away, yet a misplaced dish in the kitchen sends me, scowling, to replace it immediately.

Why does Mom ask me in the stillness of church, in a whisper that barely qualifies as one, to repeat the joke the priest just made in the beginning of his homily? I understand that she doesn’t want to miss anything, but does she really think no one else will hear me but her?

Why do friends north of me want me to go “up” there and I want them to come “down” here when my town’s elevation is clearly higher than theirs?

Why do I beat myself up every morning on the treadmill and then snack my way through the afternoon? Do I not get the connection?

And, most of all, why does Mom ask me a question when she is too far away to hear my answer? Sometimes, she isn’t even wearing her hearing aide! Does this make sense? I mean, talk about an exercise in futility.

Pictures In the Sand

I recently watched the movie, Merry Christmas (Joyeux Noel), which portrays a very moving account of the first Christmas of WWI when Scottish, American, and German soldiers tenuously lay down arms and spent the next 24 hours in peace. Although it was just a song common to each culture, Silent Night, that broke through the initial barriers of war to spur a guarded and temporary ceasefire, the ensuing hours of mingled celebration opened doors to similarities beyond tradition that began bonding the soldiers as human beings, blurring the lines of hate and suspicion even further. A ceasefire on Christmas Eve, however, was not the real miracle. It was the reluctance to re-shoulder those arms or take aim again at the enemies which seemed less so after seeing pictures of their families and sharing their stories and gifts from home.

This change of heart along the front in 1914 did more to strike fear in the breasts of those safely orchestrating the war from the rear than did the growing number of casualties. Imagine what an epidemic of human understanding and peace could do to the war effort when there clearly needed to be a winner and a loser. But troops were moved and platoons disbanded and WWI continued. And now we find ourselves in the latest of a succession of wars with new enemies and new targets.

I do not question the decision to go to war. Not only is it too late for that, but I also believe that there are some things worth fighting for and I know that the freedoms and bounty that I enjoy are a result of those who sacrificed their lives to ensure it. These brave people must never be dishonored. I do, however, want us to never take these things for granted or forget that militancy is not without devastating cost far beyond a body count. In trying to do whatever we feel is the right thing, I do not want us, as a people, to be caught up in the hate of ignorance and fear. Even among apparent differences, I want to never forget to look for commonalities that bond us as children of the same world community, for peace is not possible otherwise. I want us to remember that our decisions and actions affect not only the lives of those who freely make the choice, but also those of innocent people who did not choose.

Kseniya Simonova, 24, winner of Ukraine’s Got Talent, uses the temporary medium of sand to transcend the barriers of language and unite us in our humanity. In war, everyone loses.

I Can Do It

Startled, I heard Mom’s notebook hit the floor and turned to make sure she wasn’t following its path. She had parked her walker and, using the handle bolted into the door frame, had turned to face the three steps, which Don has made into four half-steps, leading down into the attached apartment. Recognizing that the notebook hadn’t fallen, but was carefully tossed to the bottom of the stairs, I realized what she was doing and resisted the overwhelming urge to go and help her. Rooted to my spot, I watched as she transferred her cane and then her grip to the set of parallel handrails and carefully eased her way down the steps. Once both feet were safely on terra firma, she retrieved her cane, worked her way over to her notebook, and then slowly bent over and picked it up with her free hand before taking it to her desk.


This arduous process is typical for Mom these days. At 96, everything is an effort. Her arthritic knees crunch and hurt when she moves, her balance is terribly unsteady, and her bent fingers and diminished muscle tone make it difficult for her to lift or grasp things. Rushing to her aid is a natural impulse for all of us, but I have found that it is better for her in the long run if I balance it with watchful patience; a quality with which I struggle.

Since I can take those little stairs in one or two strides, it is much easier and quicker for me to transfer items to and from her rooms. When she is sitting comfortably in her chair in the living room, where everything she needs is right around her, I can fix her lunch and bring it to her little table before she can even rise to her feet. Similarly, I can unload the dishwasher and put everything away before she even makes it to the kitchen. When Ellie rings the bells to go outside, Don and I jump up or stroll in from another room to meet her demands with much less effort than it takes Mom. Not only is it faster for us, but we feel like we are helping her in a small way after all the years she helped us and our kids. However, as with everything, there is a gray area.

Too much of this help can have a negative effect; can become almost enabling to the effects of age. I have learned the hard way that when Mom is not allowed to do enough for herself, she not only loses strength and stamina, but also becomes depressed that she isn’t contributing. She feels that she is causing us too much trouble and that we would be freer to do things if she wasn’t around. We have managed to convince her otherwise, but it made us take on a new perspective ourselves.

We still do things for Mom, but we are careful to make sure we don’t rob her of every reason to get up and move around. I may still let Ellie in and out twenty times a day, but I don’t jump up to do it if I see Mom getting to her feet. We clean up the dirty pots and pans, but leave a few glasses on the counter for Mom to put in the dishwasher if she decides to putter in the kitchen after dinner. Although I carry bulky things up and down the stairs for her, I don’t always rush to her rescue over little things now that I know she feels a certain amount of pride in her successful struggles. “I did it!” she proclaims as she straightens up with the notebook in her hand. Once again, she has not let the nineties defeat her.

I Can't Decide

“Seldom right, but never in doubt.” That is the motto of someone with whom I used to work. It suited her to a tee, but it certainly doesn’t describe me. Okay, I may rarely be right, but “doubt” should be my middle name because I can waffle over anything: what restaurant I want to go to, which shirt to wear, who to vote for. It is pathetic how long I can drag out making up my mind about some things.

Don is much the same, which means that major family decisions are torturous. Buying a new computer or car is an idea that has to be kicked around at least two years. For one thing, we both see all the gray areas in any discussion and until we’ve sorted through all of those, as well as the major issues, we cannot rest with our decisions. All in all, it isn’t a bad way to be; plodding, but thorough. Once our minds are finally made up, we have usually made a decent decision; if we live through the agony of the process, that is.

Lately, I have been trying to decide whether to pursue a special education endorsement. Talk about gray areas. I have made a pro and con list, researched programs and costs, discussed it with a variety of people, and even watched for signs from Heaven, but the answer doesn’t seem to be very obvious. Will this endorsement prepare me to step through doors that will soon open for those who are ready? Or is my life going to go in a completely different direction anyway so it doesn’t even matter what I do about this particular issue? Egad! Where is that Decision Fairy when I need her?

Now, what shall I fix for dinner?

A Month in Pictures

From a briefly white Christmas...

to a New Year of frozen fog...

through an Epiphany of hail...

to rain-sodden disillusion with a promise...

to Hope.

Undoing Christmas

I hate putting away Christmas decorations. Whether I rush to get it done in a day or drag it out for a week, it is a tedious, melancholy process. Un-decorating means the anticipation is over, the celebration is done, and everyone has gone. Collectively, with the help of advertising, Americans tend to now heave a sigh and twist to face the next holiday of choice on which to focus, but I find it a little harder to let go than that.

Part of my reluctance is that the articles in question never go back as easily as they came out of their containers, and seldom do they fit as well. I diligently mark the contents of every box, but either the items mysteriously increase in size or they somehow multiply, I’m not sure which. I also have to sheepishly admit that I hate to throw away some of the pretty bows and handy boxes that we are left with after our rip-and-tear-sessions. I’m sure they’ll come in handy next year, if I can just figure out where to stuff them for the next eleven months.

I guess sentimentality is the other part of my dislike for taking down decorations. The house is emptier, the winter weather is less charming, and people begin to smile less as they trudge back into their normal routines. However, maybe I should look at it differently this year.

According to my new mantra, I should “seize the moment, celebrate, and savor” this end-of-season drudgery. Let’s see…hmmm. Um, nope. Still leaves me cold. See ya next year Santa. Don’t be gone long.

New Car Old Friends

Don and I spent our post-Christmas/pre-New Years break researching, number crunching, and hemming and hawing about new cars. Finally, in a typical rush of indecision, we decided the stars were aligning in a pattern we couldn’t ignore and found ourselves on the road to Fossil; the K-family childhood home and the birthplace of one of the few low-pressure/high-integrity car dealerships left on Earth. The result was coming home ten hours later with a nicer car than we’d gone to get, at a better price than we had hoped for, warm butts from the pleasurably heated seats, and smiling faces as we realized we’d just gotten our first “grown up” car.

Besides the successful venture, however, something even more important happened on this impromptu trip that doesn’t always occur when we visit our roots. Sometimes when we go back, we return feeling sad because of all the changes in people and icons. Family homes might be different or completely gone, friends have died or moved away, and what was once familiar and comforting seems not to acknowledge us any more. On this day, when our minds were diverted with the usual torture of decision-making, we were surprised to experience a genuine homecoming.

Although there are several Chevy dealerships nearby, it was a very natural decision to drive three hours to Wrights Chevrolet. Herb had started the business and hired Don’s mom to do the bookkeeping when the kids were little. Eventually, Herb’s son-in-law, Bill, took over the business, and now Bill’s son, Billy, who at 44 has long since outgrown the nickname, is running the sales department while his dad has semi-retired to the parts department. Since they close at midday on Saturdays, we left home early and only expected to see the two Bills. Instead, we were met by the whole family and spent three hours visiting and maybe one hour actually doing business. One of the retired mechanics who used to like to harass Don and his brothers even stuck his head in to greet him.

We couldn’t believe that everyone stayed there the entire time and stood outside to wave goodbye when we finally left two hours after closing time. Memories were shared and pictures and stories of kids and grandkids were passed around and repeated at least twice. After dragging ourselves away, we also made sure to swing into Nornie’s, a family friend, at least long enough to give her a hug and once again exchange family news.

Don and I left Fossil that day with a lot more than a car. It was nice to know that even though many things have changed, we still have roots there. We are actually missed by some people who are part of who we are. It goes without saying that we would never have forgotten them, that they hold a special place in our hearts, but it was incredibly nice to find out from their actions that we meant something to them, too. And, I must admit, that is even better than heated seats.

Seize, Celebrate, and Savor

Besides partying, it is traditional on New Year’s Eve to review the past year and make resolutions for the new one. Although reflecting on the past is interesting, I’ve always had trouble with the resolution part. I mean well at the time, but carrying out my pledge seems to get lost in the shuffle of everyday reality. Perhaps it is because my decrees are too unwieldy (lose 80 pounds), too general (don’t get diabetes), too negative (quit being a blob), or just plain too unrealistic (look and feel like I did at 20 by this summer).

To be honest, I don’t even try any more. I get tired of failing and so I set smaller goals for myself throughout the year whenever I manage to evoke an epiphany of some sort. The Advent and Lenten seasons help with that, as well, especially with reflection concerning who I am as a person. So, this year, as we slide quietly from 2009 into 2010, I am going to have a little fun with the traditional process.

Things I learned in 2009:
   Even at 55, I am still a daughter who can be chided for not cleaning the oven often enough and who is worried over when I am too quiet.
   Stoneware breaks explosively when left on a hot burner.
   First graders never forget what they experience.
   Love and respect in the classroom creates bridges, regardless of special needs.
   My house can store a lot of stuff.
   Even though I am often physically lazy, I still need to be mentally and creatively active to be happy.
   We never grow too old for wanting to please our parents.
   Laughter is still the best medicine.
   Not everything can be adequately explained or understood.
   A few good friends are better than a truckload of casual acquaintances.
   When living in doubt, my faith becomes a choice.
   Family is my foundation; when it’s broken, so am I.
   Keep both hands on the steering wheel for when those stray truck-size tire treads come rolling down the road.
   Mom is still drawn to standing in doorways when I want to come through.
   Life still hurts sometimes.
   I am socially inept, but extremely adept at waffling over decisions.
   I receive more joy than I give.
   A massage and a milkshake exponentially improve my attitude for a long time.

Things I want to be conscious of in 2010:
   Portion control: in food, material possessions, and self-indulgence.
   Laughing more.
   Enjoying Mom’s companionship and making her laugh.
   Self-expression.
   Savoring the moment.
   Smiling.
   Seeing beyond my boundaries and taking risks toward happiness.

My 2010 Mantra: Seize the moment, celebrate and savor.